As we face life's trials we often don't see how monumental they are, until we are able to look back at them. Maybe this is a mechanism that we have developed, so as to stop ourselves from becoming overwhelmed. Maybe it's just that we can't see the forest for the trees. Whatever it is, when we are finally able to take it all in, how do we deal with it?
Last Spring my youngest daughter 'Z' was diagnosed with Cancer. We have been through many of these trials this year. The most monumental of them, I find I am surprised at how nonchalant I felt at the time. I find myself having this almost delayed reaction. I remember feeling like these are just facts of life. This is just what we are doing now. I didn't even notice that this is something that happens to other people, not to me.
Tonight 'Z' wanted me to read a book that was sent to us from the Candlelighters association, a childhood cancer group, this book was from the prospective of a sibling of a child with Cancer. Many of the events are familiar, some of them are not. The only time I think about the fact that we had 3 all day surgeries, the first one she went in to the OR at 6 am and she got to the ICU at midnight. The other 2 were not much better.
The result of these 3 surgeries is nothing short of a miracle, and for that I am eternally grateful. During the first part of our adventure, we had to go to Seattle for over 2 months, and our friends, family, and the Oregon Department of Human Services made that possible. We never could have covered the over one half of a million dollar hospital bill, for the surgeries.
If someone I knew had this happen to them, I would probably react the same way that people I tell, react. This has become my new normal, so telling the story to people, is no big deal (anymore), but when I read about someone else going through what we have been through, I am able to feel the gravity of our experience.
We still have many trials, and we shall meet them with hopefully the same grace that we have been able to face the trials thus far. As life has want to do we will probably face many trials as difficult, in other ways as these, will this better prepare us to deal with the others, or will our resolve be exhausted.
For now I think I will just try to focus on the here and now, and do my best to deal with what is directly in front of me. The lesson seems to be that as long as we do the next best thing, it will all work out.
Maybe I am wrong, maybe it is all just so surreal, that I am having to look back to see how scared I should have been.